Friday, 7 May 2010

Acceptance speech of your new Lib Dem parliamentary spokesperson

From the concession speech given at the Royston Vasey LOCAL sports centre at 5am this morning:

"Thank you Mr returning officer, Lord Mayor.

Not coming first has been a good result for the Lib Dems and shows that being an activist and campaigner is very important. I will continue to try to make sure the elected MP acts properly ( do you get the hint he isn't already ? ) and to serve Royston Vasey as your parliamentary spokesperson.

The new MP for Royston Vasey has already failed for being not LOCAL enough, and he's only just finished his acceptance speech. This just goes to show how important it is that Royston Vasey has a LOCAL parliamentary spokesperson.

I blame this aberration on all the non-LOCAL voters who have sold their houses elsewhere and moved here - like our carpet bagging MP. LOCAL residents are asking themselves why Royston Vasey should have to put up with its new MP and I will be campaigning by taking photos of myself pointing at holes in the LOCAL road and distributing them in the residents favourite Focus magazine (local edn - £2 when sold ) to prove its my turn to win here.

Mark my words - it'll be so close next time."

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Vote LOCAL today in Royston Vassey

Its time for Royston Vasey to have its first Lib Dumb MP.

I've read though the Cowley street manual on dirty politics and I think I have it all covered.

  1. Accuse opponents of not being local. CHECK - like I needed to be told that !
  2. Make unsubstantiated wild claims about opponents in literature - like this discredited council or local residents are demanding that. It can never be proven your just making it up and many voters will be taken in thinking you'd never write so blatant a lie if it wasn't true. CHECK.
  3. Don't mention any Lib Dem policies ( they're just not popular ) CHECK - not quite sure what they are anyway, unless in involves being LOCAL.
  4. Suggest to Labour voters that they can't win here and suggest you are really going lean left anyway CHECK - no problem here, except the Labour candidate can string a sentence together and made Tubbs look like a twit, but fortunately almost no one goes to these hustings!
  5. Suggest to Conservative voters that they can't win here and that really your almost a Conservative but more LOCAL anyway. CHECK - see my blueish background.
  6. Make wild and unsubstituted smears about your opponents that you know as they spend time answering people will think no smoke without fire CHECK - I had a useful hint about whats been going in the pies of the Labour candidate ....
I remembered the official Cowley street advice for candidates "be wicked, act shamelessly, stir endlessly" and I did my LOCAL best.

Now I'm off to the polling station to vote LOCAL !

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Forget the polcies feel the localness

Tubbs is local. All the Lib Dem literature has mentioned the word Local as much as possible.

The other candidate is not local living a few miles away - so that's NOT LOCAL.

The Tubbs campaign is convinced you are all sufficient airheads not to worry about defence, the economy, crime, the constitution, joining the Euro or just about anything else but will vote for Tubbs because she is local.

And you know the depressing thing - this is an effective strategy, is just leaves democracy and debate bleeding in the gutter.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Its going to be a local election

I'm so excited that its going to be a local election for local candidates.

Its so close here and its a two horse race where only the Lib Dems can beat the sitting MP - who's not local at all as his job is in Westminster ( Duh ! ).

And guess what I've been made a super local person, so all the local voters will vote for me ( even though I live in Keighley really, but a few Fibs from Tubbs won't hurt anyone ).

So stay in Focus ( gettit ;-) ) and get ready because its time for Royston Vasey to have it first Liberal Democrat MP and its going to be me !