Acceptance speech of your new Lib Dem parliamentary spokesperson

From the concession speech given at the Royston Vasey LOCAL sports centre at 5am this morning:

"Thank you Mr returning officer, Lord Mayor.

Not coming first has been a good result for the Lib Dems and shows that being an activist and campaigner is very important. I will continue to try to make sure the elected MP acts properly ( do you get the hint he isn't already ? ) and to serve Royston Vasey as your parliamentary spokesperson.

The new MP for Royston Vasey has already failed for being not LOCAL enough, and he's only just finished his acceptance speech. This just goes to show how important it is that Royston Vasey has a LOCAL parliamentary spokesperson.

I blame this aberration on all the non-LOCAL voters who have sold their houses elsewhere and moved here - like our carpet bagging MP. LOCAL residents are asking themselves why Royston Vasey should have to put up with its new MP and I will be campaigning by taking photos of myself pointing at holes in the LOCAL road and distributing them in the residents favourite Focus magazine (local edn - £2 when sold ) to prove its my turn to win here.

Mark my words - it'll be so close next time."